Sheltering-in-place has impacted couples in numerous ways. Some couples have felt closer, as they have been forced to moderate the hamster wheel of life to a slower pace. For many couples it’s been a reawakening and rejuvenation of their relationship – not taking each other for granted, learning to deal with each other’s intricacies, spending quality time, igniting physical intimacy. For others it’s been tedious, annoying, and frustrating as issues that were not addressed pre-pandemic are amplified. I’d like to share some pearls of wisdom to help partners ameliorate the stress and tension that sheltering in place is evoking and also help thriving couples enhance their relationship.

Boundaries!
Setting boundaries or limits allows couples to adjust their current environment and minimizes chances of resentment and contempt. What are boundaries? Boundaries are gentle limits to accepting behavior and space. Boundaries encompass both emotional and physical space. Boundaries are most efficacious when they are clear and communicated well. Boundaries can be incorporated in a myriad of ways. There can be time and space boundaries (e.g. during quarantine one partner may use the dining room table for a designated time while the other is in another area). Instilling emotional boundaries (e.g. maybe your partner has gotten a little triggered from all the “stuff” going on in the world currently and needs some quiet time to decompress. Allowing the space and capacity for your partner to get re-centered can go a long way) can allow for patience and understanding within the relationship. If you feel that you need to expand or readjust your boundaries it is important to voice that and discuss. Both you and your partner need to feel safe to voice concerns and needs related to boundaries.

Communication!
We all communicate, right? Well, there is healthy and unhealthy verbal communication. Additionally, there is healthy and unhealthy non-verbal communication that can adversely affect relationships without couples even being aware of the dynamics. A healthy coupleship provides for an environment where both partners feel safe and comfortable to communicate their needs, likes and dislikes. Sure, there are some conversations we would rather avoid because they are uncomfortable, but that is a different experience than feeling unsafe to speak up in a relationship. Some tips to get conversations (even the tough ones) going include:

• “I” statements (e.g. I feel concerned about our finances versus you aren’t saving enough);
• Using what the Gottmans (John and Julie Gottman – marriage researchers and experts) refer to as a Gentle Start Up – beginning a conversation, request, or discussion with kindness and empathy, using a non-harsh tone, focusing on the issue or problem versus judgment, and maintaining non-aggressive body language;
• Repeating what your partner has communicated (doesn’t have to be verbatim) because that illustrates to your partner that you understand or are trying to understand his/her point of view. Also, when we articulate our partner’s communicated words and ideas that often gets us thinking about the issue(s) in hand in more depth.

And that’s the couples’ corner!